Options During and After Workplace Abuse

PROS

• Life’s too short to give abusers power over you. If they can’t handle power responsibly, they’re not worth your time. You stop the abuse immediately by quitting.
• You leave on your terms. Speaking up on your way out can speed up your healing time once you leave because the control, voice, and definition of yourself they’ve robbed you of is at least partially re-claimed.
• You can begin to heal once out of the toxic work environment.
• Tip: Don’t worry about a 2-week notice. It’s a courtesy, not an obligation, and one employers don’t provide when they let you go. For many employees, the day they gave a 2-week notice became their last day, and they weren’t paid for the two weeks. If you care about getting paid for a 2-week notice, don’t give notice.

CONS

• You may not have a safety net (spousal income or family money, for example), so it may require time to build one (getting a new job or starting a side hustle, for example). In the meantime, pretend you’re a scientist studying abusers at work to detach from their nonsense and ward off internalizing their definitions of you, often done through gaslighting.
• Your age, location, or false narratives from your abuser may make finding other work difficult but not impossible. Do not let difficult deter you from going after the life you deserve.

PROS

• Family medical leave (FMLA) or short–term disability can give you a break from the daily toxicity and may be a softer choice than quitting.
• You can create a game plan while away from work.

CONS

• Your employer may sabotage your effort to go out on leave by not cooperating with completing the paperwork.
• You may get paid less than your salary or hourly wages.
• It may be harder to find a job while out on leave vs. still employed, but it may be the best option to prioritize your health.

PROS

• We can show abusers we’re not to be taken advantage of by creating a paper trail of our interactions with them and sharing it with them. After a meeting, write an email to them outlining the meeting date, attendees, topic, concerns you raised, their response, and your response. (Keep your own records without sending emails to your personal email, which your employer can flag.)
• Incompetent bosses may be able to be reasoned with, but abusers can’t be. The abuser may move onto another target they deem weaker if you stand up to them. They may instead retaliate. Know that speaking up becomes harder the longer it goes on. Early on, it signals you aren’t an easy target. Later on, it signals they can increase their tactics to maintain their power and control.

CONS

• If the abuser is a narcissist, you will not be able to reason with them. They will prioritize feeling superior to you and maintaining power and control at all costs. They will accuse you of things they are themselves doing. You will likely only have a positive outcome with someone who doesn’t realize their behaviors and their impact on workers, has humility, and cares about your well-being but lacks self-awareness.
• The abuser may retaliate by creating a false narrative about you to your colleagues and higher-ups, including Human Resources. The mobbing that will likely ensue can be both covert and overt, making it harder to deal with than the bullying. If it’s hard to deal with gaslighting from one person, it will be harder to prevent internalizing false narratives from a mob. The trauma will likely go from bad to worse.

PROS

• Expect the worst possible retaliation from taking action with Human Resources or a higher-up so you’re not blindsided. What’s the outcome you’re interested in? Can you afford to be terminated? Do you have a safety net? Do you want to leave anyways?
• You can negotiate a severance with documentation that can be pulled off your computer and stored in your personal Google Drive. (Don’t let the employer convince you you’re lucky to get one or that you’re not a good employee.) Without a severance (that you should negotiate based on their legal and/or reputational risk), you remain a liability to the organization. If you’re on a Performance Improvement Plan (PIP), that means the employer is trying to get you to resign without paying for separation costs. If they don’t offer a severance, propose a scenario where you’re eligible for unemployment and can negotiate a fair separation.
• To get a larger severance, create a compelling, clear, and concise document showing their wrongdoings with evidence, how they’ve failed to abide by their own policies and procedures, and what your rights are. Be OK with burning a bridge. A claim with the EEOC can be enough for an employer to want to settle right away, contingent on you dropping the claim. If you decide to go through an attorney, do not go to Human Resources and show them your cards. Visit Caged Bird HR, Jacquie Abram, or Dan Goodman Employment Advisory for help.
• You leave on your terms. Speaking up on your way out can help with the healing process. When you have another plan lined up (another job or the decision to leave to rest), remind board members that the people they’ve trusted to lead their organization reflect their own values and affect their reputation. Ask them if they agree with how management treated you or at least fill them in on what you experienced in writing so they can take action if they choose (but don’t expect it).

CONS

• Human Resources and higher-ups work to protect the employer from its workers. They are not on your side, even if they seem empathic. Many would rather vilify you and increase the abuse (what we call mobbing) by ignoring your complaint or joining in with the abuser. 
• They will most likely not run a fair and timely investigation. They will see you as a troublemaker and do what they can to push you out to avoid liability.
• A severance agreement means you’re paid in exchange for agreeing to not sue them. It is a legal document that waives your right to sue in exchange for a payout. An employer uses severance agreements to protect itself from lawsuits.

PROS

• Your employer is less likely to turn your complaint into a they said/they said situation when multiple people come forward.
• You will have support from co-workers.
• You can together also go to the media with your story, even anonymously. We can help.

CONS

• Your employer could fire all of you.
• Most co-workers will not join in out of fear or not wanting to jeopardize their own access to power.

PROS

• You will assert your narrative with the employer, which can help you no longer feel invisible and unheard.
• You may have a legal claim that falls under anti-discrimination law that if won can help you feel whole again because you’ve held the employer accountable.
• Some workers stay in a toxic job after filing so their firing can be considered illegal retaliation.

CONS

• The process takes months if not years, requires proof of intent, and typically requires a smoking gun.
• Since most cases settle, you will most likely never have your day in court, you will not get your job back, and the employer will not change because the financial costs will not be enough to incentivize them to change.
• You will likely be asked to sign a non-disclosure agreement (NDA) unless you’re in one of these states, silencing you and emboldening the abuser and toxic employer.
• You will experience re-trauma. Your employer will lie, drag out the process, and vilify you. You will likely never have your side of the story heard. They will convince fearful co-workers to turn against you.

PROS

• You use a system outside the employer to hold the employer accountable, refusing to play their rigged game they police. Even if you lose, you create work for the employer and may incentivize them to prevent the toxic behavior in the future, even if they have more resources than you to fight you. You may also feel whole again. Create a compelling, clear, and concise document showing their wrongdoings with evidence, how they’ve failed to abide by their own policies and procedures, and what your rights are to lower your costs with an attorney. Do not show this document to Human Resources if you decide to pursue a legal claim.
• Tip: Options for finding an attorney: your state’s bar association, a boutique litigation firm, a personal injury attorney, or an employment lawyer at NELA.org. You can also email us for help.

CONS

• There’s no law against workplace abuse. You may be able to fit your case under an anti-discrimination law, Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress (IIED), Negligent Infliction of Emotional Distress (NIED), or defamation (if you can prove economic damages), but the bar is high with all of these laws, and you may not win even if you have a strong case. Most lawyers will tell you they can’t take on your case because there’s no law against being a jerk, and most won’t go up against large institutions like the government, large corporations, or large universities.
• If you do win, 40-50 percent of what you win will go to a lawyer and legal costs (filing fees, depositions, etc.). Your job will not be restored, and your employer will not change their ways. If you plan on suing pro se (where you represent yourself), know your chances of winning are slim. The vast majority of cases with an employee win involve legal representation.
• Working with an attorney can mean more handing over your power. Finding one is most often based on how much of a slam dunk your case is and how lucrative it will be for the attorney. You’re at risk of the lawyer only taking on your case for billable hours, not because they believe in it. Ask a lawyer to take the case on contingency and only agree to billable hours for initial meetings if you want to see how much they believe in your case.
• Lawyers focus on the law, not all of your needs, and having a lawyer means better legal outcomes but limits your options to handle the issue with Human Resources.
• If you want to go the legal route, make sure you talk with a lawyer about what rights you give up by quitting.

PROS

• You will feel seen and heard in a safe space, the first step to healing from trauma.
• You will understand this phenomenon is part of a rigged system designed to maintain power and has nothing to do with you, allowing you to detach from it more.
• If you’re feeling suicidal, call or text 988, the national crisis hotline.
• Find a trauma-informed therapist. Those who specialize in trauma may be most helpful.
• Tip: Do not trust anyone your employer pays — including Employee Assistance Programs (EAPs).

CONS

• It will be difficult if not impossible to heal while still in a toxic work environment.
• You may feel triggered by someone else’s story.
• You may receive unwarranted advice despite efforts to create a safe space.
• You may feel further shamed by a therapist who doesn’t understand this issue. If that happens, find a new one.

PROS

• You take your voice back.
• You fight forward for future you, your loved ones, and future generations.
• You speak up for those who can’t.
• You may provide relief and support for even one person who feels trapped, misunderstood, isolated, and ashamed.
• Tip: Find a way to help with the Workplace Psychological Safety Act. Some are behind-the-scenes with minimal risk to you.

CONS

• If you take on public tasks vs. behind-the-scenes tasks, you may risk future job opportunities.
• You may feel jaded by how long social change takes because those in power write the rules to keep themselves in power.

PROS

• Sometimes the media is our justice system when the legal system fails us. Going to a reporter solo can be difficult without evidence since reporters protect their own liability. It may still be worth trying, even anonymously. Going with co-workers is your best bet to reduce liability for the reporter. We can help.
• If your story gets published, your narrative won’t be silenced, even if you and the company aren’t named, and the employer may worry about their reputation.

CONS

• If your employer finds out about the story, they could legally bully you, even if threats are empty and bogus.
• It can be difficult to find a reporter to take on our stories since workplace abuse is so common, sadly. What we consider life-changing and appalling often isn’t news to them and puts them at risk for a lawsuit from employers who will go to any length to protect themselves. They are usually not above strong-arming and lying.

PROS

• Workplace abuse is destructive. It puts fragile egos above making a positive impact. When you put the focus back on intentionally creating a better life for yourself, your loved ones, and your neighbors, you remove the power from the abuser and employer to further harm you. The best revenge is living a good life. People who don’t align with your values lose a high performer who would’ve helped their bottom line and their impact. It’s their loss, not yours.
• You live according to your values, not theirs.

CONS

None

PROS

You will be paid, though only part of your pay, for a problem you did not create.

CONS

• You may not win an unemployment insurance claim. 
• You will have to explain your constructive discharge through the unemployment office, and your former employer may fight you on it, extending your time dealing with their games.
• Your unemployment will run out at some point.

PROS

See above.

CONS

See above.

PROS

See above.

CONS

See above.